Secretary Of Education Announces WrestleEd™: Teachers Must Defend Policy Changes In Steel Cage Matches
"Because if we're not throwing chairs, are we even learning?"
In a move described by critics as both "bold" and "deeply avoidable," the Secretary of Education today unveiled a sweeping national reform effort based entirely on the theatrical principles of professional wrestling.
Dubbed WrestleEd™, the initiative promises to replace traditional teaching models with scripted conflict, costume changes, and choreographed grudges.
"For too long, schools have lacked spectacle," the Secretary announced, emerging from a fog machine to the sound of 'Enter Sandman.' "We need rivalries. We need backflips. We need to put the show back in showing up."
What Is WrestleEd™?
According to a 147-slide deck mailed to districts on glitter-scented flash drives, WrestleEd™ will:
Introduce "Last Principal Standing" Evaluations: Leadership retention based on who survives an elimination match.
Replace Teacher of the Year Awards with Championship Belts: Must be defended monthly in the faculty lounge.
Launch a New Civics Curriculum: Actual History vs. Patriots Armed with YouTube Degrees
Mandate Entrance Music for Morning Announcements: Schools must submit walk-up tracks for staff and students. Districts using "Eye of the Tiger" more than twice per week will be fined.
Add Pyrotechnics to Budget Meetings: Pending fire marshal approval. But a cool idea.
PD Enters the Ring
Professional development is also getting a makeover. The Secretary announced PDX (Professional Development Xtreme): a new initiative where teachers battle through 3 hours of jargon for the chance to change a single hallway rule.
“We believe in distributed leadership,” said the Undersecretary of Believability, adjusting a spandex blazer. “But only after a three-count pinfall.”
The Superintendent Showdown
The initiative’s climax is an annual pay-per-view event: Superintendent Showdown. District leaders will enter a steel cage to resolve longstanding disputes over budget allocations, HVAC settings, and who pees in which bathroom.
The inaugural match will feature superintendents from Cobb County and Fulton County School Districts. The winner takes home a $25 Amazon gift card and bragging rights (until next showdown).
Mixed Reactions
The National Association of School Principals (NASSP) issued a cautious statement calling WrestleEd™ "concerning, if surprisingly well-branded."
Meanwhile, one veteran teacher told reporters, "I already feel like I get hit with chairs during IEP season, so I might as well wear the boots."
What's Next?
The program is currently piloting in three districts where past reforms have included mindfulness goats, data-driven bulletin boards, and a fully laminated strategic vision. Early data shows a 94% increase in hallway drama and a 200% rise in elbow drops.
"We’re not saying this will fix education," the Secretary clarified. "We’re saying it will make it more entertaining."