Principal Moves to Fire Custodian for Making School Too Clean

“Test Scores Matter More Than Toilets,” Says District Official

Cactus Bluff, AZ — In a move that has stunned teachers, parents, and even the pigeons that nest in the cafeteria vents, Principal Linda Dabble of Mediocre Meadows Elementary is pushing to fire long-time custodian Carl “Sparkle” Simmons—despite his flawless record of receiving perfect 100s on district cleanliness audits.

Simmons, who has worked at Mediocr…