Principal Moves to Fire Custodian for Making School Too Clean
“Test Scores Matter More Than Toilets,” Says District Official
Cactus Bluff, AZ — In a move that has stunned teachers, parents, and even the pigeons that nest in the cafeteria vents, Principal Linda Dabble of Mediocre Meadows Elementary is pushing to fire long-time custodian Carl “Sparkle” Simmons—despite his flawless record of receiving perfect 100s on district cleanliness audits.
Simmons, who has worked at Mediocre Meadows for 12 years, is beloved by staff and students alike for his dedication to keeping the school spotless. “Carl’s amazing,” said third-grade teacher Janet Flores. “If I spill glitter, it’s gone in minutes. He even fixed the boiler with duct tape and a Bible verse once. But hey, maybe if this place turns into a biohazard, the kids’ math scores will skyrocket.”
Principal Dabble, whose leadership has been described by staff as “a blender with the lid off,” claims Simmons is “creating a culture of over-comfort.” Citing a study from the International Institute of Educational Vibes, Dabble stated, “Research shows that children who learn in mildly disgusting environments develop grit and resilience. I read that somewhere on Reddit or X.”
In one formal complaint, Dabble accused Simmons of “over-shining the hallway floors to the point of excessive gleam,” and in another, of “removing gum from underneath desks too quickly, denying students natural consequences.”
Despite the mounting paperwork, Simmons remains unfazed. “I just love cleaning,” he told reporters. “There’s nothing better than scrubbing grout on a Friday night. Honestly, I’m hoping I get the kindergarten bathrooms next.”
When asked for comment, district custodial supervisor Randy “Dusty” Parks gave the district’s official stance: “Look, test scores are more important than sanitary learning environments. We can’t have shiny floors distracting kids from standardized testing performance. Priorities, people.”
Cactus Bluff Unified, serving 30,000 students in the suburbs of Phoenix, is no stranger to controversy, but observers say this might be the most ridiculous scandal yet.
“It’s obvious she’s grasping at straws,” said one anonymous teacher. “Last week she tried to replace recess with a mindfulness circle run by her cat. The woman’s desperate for a win.”
Meanwhile, Mediocre Meadows’ PTO has launched a petition titled “Let Carl Clean!” which has already gathered 842 signatures and one suspiciously sticky mop.
District officials declined to comment. But one board member was overheard asking, “Can’t we just replace Carl with a Roomba and call it innovation?”