Poll Finds Most Teachers Would Swap Planning Time for $1,000 Lululemon Gift Card
“Honestly, the leggings support me more than my admin team ever has,” one educator says.
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WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a surprising yet entirely predictable result, a new poll from the National Institute for Faculty Wellbeing (NIFW) revealed that 71% of U.S. teachers would happily give up their contractual planning period in exchange for a $1,000 Lululemon gift card.
The remaining 29% said they’d consider it if the card could also be used on accessories or if the offer included a free YETI cup in “emotional support gray.”
“At least with Lululemon, I know what I’m getting,” said Ms. Charmaine Fletcher, a 3rd-grade teacher in Ohio. “Unlike our new reading curriculum.”
Sweatpants Over Spreadsheets
The study asked educators to rank how they would prefer to use their non-instructional time. Options included:
Planning high-quality lessons aligned to district goals
Meeting with colleagues to review formative assessment data
Quietly crying in their car
Online shopping for overpriced activewear
Lululemon scored highest in categories like “boosts morale,” “provides gentle compression,” and “doesn’t require logging into Clever.”
Administrators Respond with New “Athleisure for Achievement” Initiative
School leaders around the country are already working to adapt to this new reality.
“We’ve heard teachers loud and clear,” said Dr. Maxwell Green, Assistant Superintendent of Human Resources at Prairie View Unified in Missouri. “That’s why we’re launching a district-wide initiative called Athleisure for Achievement. If teachers hit their academic learning targets, they’ll receive exclusive access to a custom district-branded Lululemon hoodie that says ‘Data-Driven & Dead Inside’ on the back.”
Green also confirmed that the district’s next professional development day will feature a breakout session titled “Stretch Goals: Yoga Poses That Help You Forget About State Testing.”
Teacher Burnout Now Measured in Number of Leggings Owned
The NIFW report also found a correlation between the number of leggings a teacher owns and their proximity to quitting:
1–2 pairs: Mild disillusionment
3–5 pairs: Fantasy retirement calculator bookmarked
6+ pairs: Already has side hustle selling TPT worksheets and elderberry gummies
“This year alone, I’ve spent $412 on leggings,” said high school math teacher Johnnie Patterson. “If you think I’m still differentiating instruction for 5 different IEPs with 45 minutes of planning time, you better believe I want to look cute doing it.”
Union Pushes Back, Cites “Basic Human Right to Scroll Social Media for a Class Period”
While some educators expressed enthusiasm over the hypothetical trade or planning time for leggings, union reps were less amused.
“Planning time is not a privilege. It is a fundamental human right,” said Karen Beltran of the National Federation of Exhausted Educators (NFEE). “Even Lululemon can’t wick away the emotional sweat from teaching taxation without representation to kids throwing erasers.”
Still, many teachers remain optimistic.
“Look,” said Ms. Fletcher, adjusting her waistband and sipping kombucha from a mason jar, “you can either give me time to plan, or give me the strength to fake it. And by strength, I mean high-rise leggings and a hoodie soft enough to cry into.”
Coming This Fall: Athflow Fridays™
District leaders are also floating new staff incentives:
“Athflow Fridays™” (yoga pants and no walk-throughs)
An “Emotionally Supportive Shoe Allowance” (district approved footwear padded for surprise observations)
And Clean Eating Compliance Credits (teachers who eat a quinoa-based lunch earn 10-minute mindfulness naps in the nurse’s office)
Until then, educators are advised to “take deep breaths, teach bell-to-bell, and remember that your worth is not defined by your inbox or your SMART goals. It is defined by how good you look in Align leggings.”
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There are spelling errors, formatting misfires, and ideas that probably should’ve stayed in the drafts folder.
If you believe homework causes climate change, that the moon landing was staged by Grok and Elon, and that your superintendent is secretly a lizard person in khakis — then these mistakes are actually encrypted coordinates to the underground bunker where we’re planning the educational revolution.
If not… then chalk it up to a principal with a keyboard and a caffeine problem.
Please.
Pretty please.
With a pencil sharpener full of Sour Patch Kids.
Get out of the hallway. We're holding dismissal.
The creator of this newsletter:
– Once held a staff meeting in a bounce house
– Accidentally copied the entire district on a message that said “meh”
– Thinks TPS reports are real
– Believes AI is short for “Actually Insane”
– Was nearly suspended for teaching Macbeth with sock puppets
– Can spell pedagogy but not necessary
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…and everyone pretends not to hear it…
…but taps their foot anyway.
So if you're still reading this far…
you either skipped supervision duty…
or you're one of us.
Welcome to the deep end, Ruckus Maker.
Here’s what I leave you with:
Man who quit job to sail with his cat arrive to cheering fans in Hawaii
Anthony Bourdain believed Ratatouille was a cinematic masterpiece
Everything is the way it is…
Because a brave leader like you had the guts to change the way it was.
Until next time,
Keep Making a Ruckus,
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