New District Program Will Rotate Difficult Colleagues Between Schools to "Diffuse the Negativity"

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In an effort to address persistent morale issues, the Elbow River Unified School District has announced a revolutionary new HR initiative: Rotational Professional Reassignment (RPR) — a system designed to "strategically redistribute" difficult staff members across multiple campuses.

"Think of it like crop rotation, but for human capital," explained Dr. Lorna Softclap, Director of Human Capital Wellness and Synergistic Faculty Distribution. "When you leave soil depleted in one area, you simply move to fresh ground."

Under RPR, each staff member identified through the district's proprietary Colleague Assessment Matrix will spend rotating two-week periods across up to five different campuses per semester — a move district leaders say will "democratize toxicity" and "build institutional antibodies against concentrated negativity."

The district declined to release specific numbers but confirmed that approximately 23% of all staff have been enrolled in the inaugural cohort. A leaked internal email footer simply read: "Remember: If you're reading this wondering who it could be... statistically speaking, it's probably you."

The Science Behind "Behavioral Load Balancing"

Dr. Softclap's team developed the Rotational Professional Reassignment model after studying similar approaches in other industries.

"Waste management companies don't dump everything in one landfill," she noted during Tuesday's board presentation. "They distribute refuse across multiple sites to prevent contamination overflow. It's really quite elegant."

The program operates on what district consultants call Therapeutic Displacement Theory — the idea that problematic behaviors become "diluted" when distributed across larger populations, much like how one drop of food coloring disappears when added to an Olympic-sized swimming pool.

What Qualifies as "Reassignment-Eligible"?

According to the newly adopted Colleague Concern Assessment Protocol™, behaviors warranting rotation include:

Red Flag Indicators:

• "Weaponized nostalgia" (referencing failed initiatives from 2003 or earlier more than 3.2 times per meeting)

• "Drive-by doubt deployment" (raising objections without solutions, then leaving the room to "check on copies")

• "Policy evangelism" (citing handbook passages from memory during casual conversations)

• Excessive carbon-copying of central office staff in emails regarding coffee filters, room temperature, or "the principle of the thing"

Orange Flag Behaviors:

• Beginning more than 60% of sentences with "I'm just concerned that..." or "For the children..."

• Using phrases like "institutional integrity," "pedagogical consistency," or "that's not how we do things here" in contexts involving lunch duty

• Responding to new initiatives exclusively through rhetorical questions

Yellow Flag Patterns:

• Arriving to meetings with printed agendas that no one else received

• Referring to themselves as "old school" more than once per conversation

• Maintaining filing systems that predate the Clinton administration

Staff scoring above 2.7 on the district's Collaborative Friction Index automatically qualify for the program. The assessment tool, licensed from Corporate Synergy Solutions LLC, uses an AI-powered algorithm that analyzes email tone, meeting participation patterns, and something called "proximity-based mood deterioration metrics."

The Four-Phase Rotation Cycle

RPR operates on a scientifically designed rotation schedule: