District Announces Revolutionary New Initiative to Fix Initiative That Was Supposed to Fix Previous Initiative
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ANYTOWN, USA — In a move that shocked absolutely nobody, Meadowbrook School District announced Tuesday the launch of THRIVE 3.0, a comprehensive improvement framework designed to address the failures of SOAR 2.0, which itself was created to fix the shortcomings of the original LEAP initiative from 2019.
“We’re really excited about this one,” said Superintendent Karen Mitchell-Johnson, clutching a binder the size of a small refrigerator. “Unlike SOAR, LEAP, and RISE before it, THRIVE 3.0 is truly transformative. This time we’re committed to sustainable, scalable, synergistic solutions that center stakeholder engagement.”
When asked what those words meant, Mitchell-Johnson consulted three different consultants who were hired at a combined rate of $4,500 per day.
The new initiative, which administrators insist is “totally different” from the 46 previous improvement plans rolled out since 2015, features several groundbreaking components:
The THRIVE Acronym Breakdown:
Transforming
Holistic
Research-based
Innovative
Vision-driven
Excellence
District officials confirmed that exactly zero teachers were consulted during the acronym creation process, maintaining the proud tradition established by LEAP (Learning Excellence Acceleration Protocol), SOAR (Student Outcomes Achievement Revolution), and RISE (Rigorous Instructional Systems Enhancement).
“We heard loud and clear that teachers felt overwhelmed,” explained Assistant Superintendent Brad Thompson, moments before unveiling the THRIVE implementation timeline featuring 47 new required training sessions. “That’s why THRIVE 3.0 comes with three new digital platforms that seamlessly integrate with the seven platforms we’re already not using from SOAR 2.0.”
The platforms each require separate logins.
When a veteran teacher pointed out that THRIVE’s core principles were identical to SOAR’s core principles, which were themselves recycled from LEAP’s foundation, Thompson assured her this was “purposeful alignment” and “definitely not because we forgot what we did two years ago.”
What Makes THRIVE 3.0 Different:
According to the 287-page implementation guide (available exclusively as a PDF that crashes most school-issued Chromebooks), THRIVE 3.0 addresses several critical gaps:
The “SOAR Gap” — created when SOAR 2.0 was implemented before anyone figured out how to actually stop doing LEAP activities.
The “Training Deficit” — resolved by adding 94 hours of professional development to fix problems created by the previous 94 hours of professional development.
The “Data Entry Redundancy Issue” — solved by adding one more spreadsheet that pulls from all the other spreadsheets that nobody has time to fill out.
“We’ve learned from past mistakes,” Mitchell-Johnson announced to a faculty meeting where teachers were simultaneously required to update their SOAR goals, complete their LEAP reflection logs, and register for THRIVE 3.0 orientation. “This time, we’re not just throwing solutions at problems. We’re throwing solutions at solutions.”
When pressed about whether the district would ever consider eliminating old initiatives before launching new ones, Mitchell-Johnson appeared confused by the question.
“Why would we do that?” she asked. “That would be like saying we were wrong before. THRIVE isn’t replacing anything. It’s enhancing what we’re already enhancing.”
By The Numbers:
47 total improvement initiatives launched since 2015.
0 initiatives formally retired.
83% of teachers who can no longer remember which acronym goes with which Google Drive folder.
$847,000 spent on consultants who explain why the last consultant’s advice didn’t work.
3 separate committees formed to study why the THRIVE Implementation Task Force is behind schedule.
Infinite: The district’s apparent capacity for cognitive dissonance.
The rollout calendar indicates teachers will receive their THRIVE 3.0 training materials in late August, approximately three weeks before ADAPT 1.0 (Adaptive Data-Driven Achievement Protocol for Tomorrow) is scheduled to launch.
“We’re really narrowing our focus this year,” Thompson said while simultaneously distributing action plans for THRIVE, finishing touches on SOAR, and archived binders from LEAP “just in case anyone wants to reference them.”
At press time, the district announced the formation of a committee to explore why teachers seem stressed and disengaged. The committee will meet monthly and requires two hours of pre-work before each session.
The committee will be called SOLVE (Systematic Organizational Leadership Vision Enhancement).
It launches in January.
Editor’s Note: If your district has only launched 30 or fewer initiatives this decade, you’re either lying or you’re about to get a new superintendent who’s going to “shake things up.”
Danny, this is awesome. I’m not a teacher but teacher I know lives this.